Today we’re going to talk about how often dismissive avoidants come back after they go through a breakup. Interestingly, there are a lot of resources out there talking about this. Unfortunately, almost all of them focus on “exes” in general and fail to take into account the nuanced approach dismissive avoidants require.
In my opinion, dismissive avoidants usually won’t come back to you unless they are given enough time to begin “longing” for you and even then they tend to like fawning after you from afar. So, most people don’t ever think their dismissive avoidant ex wants them back because there are no “big” signs.
Today though, I’m going to show you exactly what the experience is like in that post breakup period. Starting with the following,
- Familiarize Yourself With The Relationship Wheel Of Death
- The Separation Elation Factor
- The Depressive Episode
- The Longing Episode
- The Phantom Ex Category
Let’s begin!
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Everything Runs Through The Relationship Death Wheel For An Avoidant
Perhaps we should start by actually defining what a dismissive avoidant is.
Someone who has dismissive avoidant tendencies is usually fiercely protective of their own independence. So, if they enter into a relationship where that independence gets threatened they usually do everything they can to keep that independence which usually involves leaving.
Every dismissive avoidant is caught in the same relationship wheel of death that they can’t ever seem to escape.
Of which there are eight main stages.
- They want someone to love them
- They find someone who they think is the new person
- Then they start to notice some worrying things about that new person (usually any type of insecure attachment behaviors)
- They start contemplating leaving
- They decide to actually leave
- They are happy they left
- Then they feel lonely
- Then they feel sad that they can’t ever find the right person
And then the wheel goes around and around and around. Crushing new and old relationships alike. What I’d like to do in this article is use this wheel to explain the post breakup behaviors you’ll typically see from a dismissive avoidant.
Honestly, if you really think about it there are three main phases that occur in the post breakup time period.
- There is the separation elation period
- The depressive episode period
- The longing episode
Each of these are integral to understanding how an avoidant operates and when they are likely to come back. Before I jump into the three phases I’d like to put forth an idea.
One of the reasons that it’s so hard to explain how often dismissive avoidants come back is because they need to experience these three phases in order to feel like they want to come back.
Unfortunately, many of our clients don’t ever give them the time and space to experience those stages because they lack the emotional control necessary for such a function.
It’s the very reason that the no contact rule is such an essential strategy but enough chit chat. Let’s dive in deeper.
Understanding The Separation Elation Period
For reference, that’s stage number six on the death wheel,
According to Free To Attach,
After a relationship ends, people with an avoidant attachment style tend not to show much anxiety or distress, often feeling an initial sense of relief at the relinquishing of obligations and the sense that they are regaining their self-identity, and not tending to initially miss their partner – this is “separation elation” as the pressure to connect is gone.
Being a dismissive avoidant myself I thought I’d add my own personal experience.
In college I dated a girl for nine months and broke up with her very suddenly. Interestingly, I think it had more to do with my own insecurities more than anything else. I just didn’t like the person I was becoming and was tired of fighting every single day.
Anyways, like with all relationships that you want to work when you are in the midst of them you convince yourself that “this is it, this is going to be the one.”
Yet, strangely after the relationship devolved into nothing but arguments and name calling I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with her.
The relief I felt immediately afterwards was indescribable. It felt like I could smile again for the first time in months.
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This was the initial separation elation kicking in.
Finally, it was just me again. I didn’t have the pressure of worrying about someone else. I just had to worry about little old me.
Of course, like all dismissive avoidants you get caught up in the separation elation which leaves you unprepared for what happens next.
The Depressive Episode Period
Once again, pulling from Free To Attach,
But they can have a depressive episode from 2-4 months after a breakup, manifested in feeling numb, disconnected and meaningless, which they may try to repress. Everybody needs deeper connection, but often avoidants don’t recognise they need their partners until the partner actually loses interest and leaves, through separation, divorce, also death, illness, or something else. Then, when they finally realise nobody is “in the house”, that’s when the crisis hits. It’s then that a very deep depression can happen, because they actually want connection and ultimately a safe, secure attachment like anybody else.
Are you familiar with the concept of causality?
It’s essentially a fancy way of referring to cause and effect.
What you’ll find is that if you want an answer to how often avoidants come back you need to understand the cause and effect that gest them to the mental state where they start considering it.
First comes the separation elation where they are so happy to have reclaimed their independence. They are happy not to have to worry about you anymore.
Next comes the depression. The realization that they might “end up alone” which is something they don’t want deep down.
This puts them in the perfect state of mind for “longing.”
The Longing Episode
In this video I talk about what conditions need to be present in order for an avoidant to “miss you.”
Avoidants typically long for an ex when they encounter the paradox of feeling safe but at the same time grow lonely.
They also need to feel like you have moved on from them. Remember, avoidants get freaked out by losing their independence so if you are constantly “trying to win them back,” or “blowing up their phone trying to fix the relationship.”
You’ll end up extending the separation elation period.
You are essentially reminding them of why they broke up with you in the first place.
Nevertheless, if you do give them enough time and they enter this longing stage this is often where you are most likely to get them back.
But don’t expect them to reach out and ask for you back.
Remember, avoidants prefer phantom exes over real ones.
Understanding The Phantom Ex
If you want a deeper understanding of the phantom ex I recommend you read this article I wrote or simply watch this video,
Essentially though the most important concept for us to understand is the paradox that lies at the heart of every avoidant.
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The dismissive avoidant wants someone to love them fiercely but at the same time won’t let anyone close enough to love them.
You can start to see why a “phantom ex” that they can selectively remember the “good times” with is preferable. It’s a relationship that they can bask in the memory of the connection with but not get close enough to get hurt.
This is often why we don’t see avoidants reaching out during a no contact rule.
Free To Attach backs this up as well,
But often avoidants won’t initiate contact with their exes, and they rarely unilaterally initiate reuniting because it creates uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, and they can feel they don’t know how go about fixing things.
In other words, even if they go through this process where they are remembering you fondly don’t expect them to reach out to you and try to “get you back.”
If anything, you will still have to do the work.
That doesn’t mean they won’t reach out. There are exceptions to every rule and a lot of times our clients show me times where their dismissive avoidant reaches out to them to prove me wrong.
Only when they look a little deeper their ex is actually a fearful avoidant and one of the things that separates a dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant is this singular fact right here.
Dismissive avoidants are a lot tougher to communicate with post breakup because they are mostly avoidant.
Fearful avoidants are a lot easier to communicate with post breakup because their anxious side can sometimes take hold and cause them to engage with you.
So, coming back to the original question on how often dismissive avoidants come back. It’s been my opinion that they often don’t come back on their own accord. They are a lot more comfortable putting you in a box as a phantom ex that they can fawn over from afar.
However, that doesn’t mean they don’t reach a place emotionally where they are susceptible to coming back, they do. It’s just quieter.
Luckily for you, you know now how read their silence.
FAQs
How long does it take Avoidants to come back? ›
You have to give it that time of three to four weeks in order for them to start to feel those emotions for you again and actually get back into their activated state.
What brings a dismissive avoidant back? ›The first thing that you want to do in order to re-attract your dismissive avoidant ex, is to back away and give them the time and the space. That can be really difficult for the anxious preoccupied to do because they are often triggered and their anxiety is going all over the place.
Do Avoidants come back months later? ›We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that's what you want.
What makes Avoidants come back? ›The first reason a dismissive avoidant ex may come back to you is if the relationship ended on neutral or positive terms. People with this attachment style aren't big on processing difficult emotions because, often, they struggle with emotional intelligence.
Will an avoidant reach out after no contact? ›They're always looking for the red flags, and they will find them, so when you go no contact with the dismissive avoidant, don't expect them to reach out to you. They won't text you because likely when you were in a relationship with them, you were the one to initiate most of the contact.
Will a dismissive avoidant ever come back? ›In my opinion, dismissive avoidants usually won't come back to you unless they are given enough time to begin “longing” for you and even then they tend to like fawning after you from afar. So, most people don't ever think their dismissive avoidant ex wants them back because there are no “big” signs.
Do dismissive avoidants come back after ghosting? ›Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.
How do I get Avoidants to reconnect? ›- Be patient. ...
- Create an atmosphere of safety. ...
- Respect cultural differences. ...
- Try to understand how they view 'needs' ...
- Avoid controlling their behaviors. ...
- If possible, offer alone time. ...
- Try not to interrupt their space.
Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
Do Avoidants care when you leave? ›Initiate the breakup & suppress negative emotions
This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.
How long does it take a dismissive avoidant to move on? ›
As far as the dismissive more specifically, most likely they'll just fade to black and you won't hear from them after that first month. Around almost a two month mark is when the dismissive avoidant is going to really start to feel things. They are going to start feeling the breakup.
Do Avoidants ever miss someone? ›But then slowly, as they try to carry on with their everyday life, they will experience various stressors in their life, which in turn will possibly make them miss you. Consistency in giving your avoidant ex space is also key for making an avoidant ex miss you.
How do you know if an avoidant wants you back? ›- They are consistent – Consistency for a fearful avoidant is not reaching out every day or even every other day, though this may happen with an anxious fearful avoidant ex. ...
- They're putting in the effort – and want you to know they're trying.
The fearful avoidant will typically go through a period of euphoria after a breakup due to their newfound freedom from the confines of the relationship. However, that doesn't mean they won't eventually regret the breakup.
How do dismissive avoidants deal with breakups? ›The dismissive avoidant tends to ruminate on the break-up for quite a while. To the anxious preoccupied, that's going to look to them as if the person just doesn't care, but that's not the case. They need the time to sit with their feelings and understand if the break-up was an overreaction or not.
What does an avoidant feel during no contact? ›The avoidant, or the dismissive avoidant will avoid all things about their ex after a breakup (this usually happens during the no contact rule.) After enough of this avoidant behavior feelings slowly begin to bubble to the surface. This makes them want to suppress those feelings.
Do Avoidants leave people they love? ›They're generally not loyal to stay through the tough times and are likely to leave when you need them most (until they develop enjoyment in the sense of value and purpose that caregiving can provide, avoidants are more likely to leave when there are new children or when their partner has a serious illness, for example ...
Does a dismissive avoidant ever reach out to their ex? ›The truth is, we've found that most exes who are avoidant will usually not reach out to an ex on their own accord because it usually triggers two things within them; A feeling of trauma and vulnerability that they aren't comfortable with.
Do dismissive Avoidants care about you? ›People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style are often described as lacking the desire to form or maintain social bonds, and they don't seem to value close relationships. These people report, for example, that they are comfortable without close emotional relationships and prefer not to depend on others.
Do dismissive Avoidants regret leaving? ›Do dismissive avoidants feel regret after the break-up? Yes. Some dismissive avoidants feel regret the break-up as soon as it happens, especially if they had formed some form of attachment. Some dismissive avoidants try to get back together right after the break-up and other's offer a friendship out of regret.
Why do Avoidants not reach out? ›
From questioning different people that have identified themselves as having a fearful avoidant attachment style, they are sometimes scared to reach out because they know that that person might reject them. The person is, in their opinion, most likely sick of them and doesn't want to deal with them.
What happens when you stop chasing a dismissive avoidant? ›Dismissive avoidants grow up to become distant, unapologetic, and selfish. They might never come back to you if you stopped chasing them. They choose to have countless flings/one-night stands/casual dating because they think it's impossible to fall in love and commit to the person.
How do you make a dismissive avoidant ex miss you? ›Give them space when they pull away.
Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
People with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to feel alone in their experience of the world, according to new research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. The study also provides evidence that feeling existentially isolated is a distinct phenomenon from loneliness.
How do you text a dismissive avoidant ex? ›Slow to text back
Their typical response is to take their time when texting back. To them, it doesn't matter when you text back as long as you do text back. If a dismissive avoidant takes too long to text back, try not to personalize it. They will eventually respond if you mean anything to them.
Dismissing/avoidant people, in particular, are likely to report less post-traumatic growth after the death of a loved one. They tend to suppress their negative feelings and to convert those negative (disowned) emotions into physical symptoms like headaches or abdominal distress (Wayment & Vierthaler, 2002).
How do you know if a dismissive avoidant loves you? ›- They are ready to become vulnerable.
- They love your nonverbal PDAs.
- They display nonverbal communication.
- They encourage you to get personal space.
- They make an effort to connect with you.
- They listen to you.
- They make the first move in a relationship.
- They want to get intimate.
There are a few signs to know if an avoidant-dismissive person likes you. They will spend more time together with you though they may not reveal their emotions, or feel deeply. They may discourage you or move away when you share any negative emotions rather than inquire what they are really about.
How long do Avoidants pull away for? ›So a lot of the times you'll see them recover within the next three to five days so leaving them alone is really a great way to deal with the situation. Of course, it's always easier said than done especially when many of our clients have anxious attachment styles.
How long does it take dismissive avoidant to miss you? ›An avoidant will miss you, the moment they realize that they have lost you forever. This is not easy for them too because at one moment everything is lovely for them.
Do Avoidants feel heartbreak? ›
Because of this, fearful-avoidant people have a mixed reaction to breakups: Initially, they do attempt to not feel their feelings and instead numb them in other ways, pretending they're absolutely fine.
Are Avoidants emotionally unavailable? ›In general, avoidant adults tend to be emotionally unavailable. They put distance between themselves and their partner, because of discomfort with too much closeness.
How long does it take for an avoidant to miss you? ›An avoidant will miss you, the moment they realize that they have lost you forever. This is not easy for them too because at one moment everything is lovely for them. What is this? They want to get to know you more, but when the connection feels too heavy for them, they backup.
Do Avoidants come back after ghosting? ›Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.
Do Avoidants miss you when you move on? ›Yes, the dismissive avoidant misses you, but they miss you later on. In the beginning they're going to be relieved that they have their freedom. They can get their independence back and they get to go and do what they want to do without having to answer any questions to anybody.
How do you know if an avoidant cares about you? ›- They Share Personal Details. To an avoidant person, their personal security is everything. ...
- They Willingly Spend More Time With You. For someone who is avoidant, being alone feels safe. ...
- They Make Small Gestures to Show They Care. ...
- They Call You Their Partner.
Give them space when they pull away. Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant? ›Dismissive avoidants grow up to become distant, unapologetic, and selfish. They might never come back to you if you stopped chasing them. They choose to have countless flings/one-night stands/casual dating because they think it's impossible to fall in love and commit to the person.
How long is silence considered ghosting? ›Well, in short, just three days. While every relationship is different, three days is enough time to consider yourself ghosted. Sure, everyone has emergencies or can come up with a valid excuse for not responding, but letting things linger for three days or longer is enough to categorise it as a ghosted situation.
Why do avoidants not text back? ›Ignoring their texts
Unlike anxiously attached people, dismissive avoidants tend to be okay with others not texting them back immediately. They project their independence needs on others and conclude something like: “They must be busy.”